Multidimensional Hijinx

I have a boat.  The specifications on my boat say it is 18.6 feet long and 8.1 feet wide.  Sometimes they lie.  When I am in my boat it’s more like 6 or 7 feet long and 3 feet wide.  When I am towing my boat it is at least 35 feet long and 10 feet wide not including the trailer.  What is happening here?

Yesterday we took our boat to the stall we rented.  These are places you take your boat when it can’t live with you anymore.  When the homeowners association offers to turn you name over to Guido the banker to lean on your house that’s when you need a boat stall.  We have one.  It’s only about 5 feet wide and 10 feet deep but the boat stall man says it will fit.  He tells me he is a professional.

When you are driving backwards, the boat is still 35 feet long (of course it is, don’t be silly) but the width expands so that it can block out a small house if it is behind your boat.  Our goal – put the SS Titanic Jr into a large dog house . . .  backwards.  My neighbor is also renting a dog house at the same place, the specs on his boat read 2 feet longer and 6 inches wider than Jr, he says it can be done.  He is a professional.

My wife an I wait till late Sunday evening in hopes of avoiding traffic jams and hecklers we are pretty sure are waiting for us at the dog house park.  Our plan paid off, we had the entire 10’ x 15’  gravel parking lot to ourselves to pull off the Triple Lutz of armature boaters.  Linda took the pad lock off the door and opened it – Snoopy wasn’t home.  Next we had a pep talk where confidence was raised and commitment affirmed – Dam the torpedoes and remember the Alamo!

The Tango of Death had begun.  Imagine if you will Elaine (from Seinfeld) and Stephan Hawking in a passionate tango . . . on ice.  That was Linda, Me and the boat.  Yes, there were some awkward moments, yes the laws of physics were bent but we were all still in one piece, even the dog house.  Just before sunrise we had the all the pieces of the puzzle lined up something like 6:12 on your analog clock.  We had worked our way through the “Salvador Dali pretzel”, the “Steven King plot twist” and had progressed to “My Left Foot drives backwards”  The end was neigh.

The universes, trailer parts and boat stall aligned.  All was right with the world.  We were bleary eyed and bedraggled but we managed a much deserved high five (old people still do that), but we didn’t celebrate too much because, hey, we’re professionals.